Choosing Taps with Grohe

There are some aspects of house refurbishment that are indescribably dull. The bits you don’t really want to have to devote brain power to, but the things that you have to have before you can get to the fun stuff. Things like placing electric sockets – never enough/often in the wrong place, fire regulations affecting the size of the doors, what type of flooring. And taps.

I can’t. I just can’t even think about taps without falling asleep. I want one that looks fine and pumps out water and beyond that I have no head space. I know what I don’t like, but that’s no way to shop. If you start with a list of things you don’t like you run the risk that you just end up with the one you disliked least and that’s no way to dispose of a few hundred pounds. This is not the case for The Mad Husband. He can think about these things. When we refurbished the shower a few months ago, he kept suggesting that it was time we sat down and discussed shower fittings. After a few attempts at this and noticing that I appeared to have developed narcolepsy, he presented me with three choices that were all correctly spec’d and I was able to yawn and point. I’m not even sure if he agreed with me or just bought the one he fancied anyway. We have a working shower and I’m pretty happy with that. I, on the other hand, spent hours discussing the layout of each individual marble tile with the builder to make sure the patterns flowed in the right direction.

Fortunately, I have discovered that there are other people thinking about these practical matters, and the long and short of it is that if you can’t be arsed to make those decisions then you need to find a manufacturer who can. Who is thinking about it and who does care. Because that way you can just point and pay and get back to the interesting stuff.

I discovered this during a lightening visit to Frankfurt last week where I was invited by Grohe, makers of pretty nice bathroom and kitchen taps. And it turns out they are thinking about things I didn’t even know needed thinking about. But which makes the job of the consumer so much easier.

When they first invited me –  I’ll be honest –  I wasn’t that interested. Then they lured me in with talk of a new product that was so secret they couldn’t even tell me what it was. A journalist and ever a sucker for a good story I was handing over my passport details before I had read to the end of the invitation. Where it was revealed that the event was called ISH. How good can it be with a name like that I thought, wondering if I should retract the accepting email. Good-ish. Interesting-ish?

Still I went and there was much pomp and circumstance in an expectant presentation hall. Things perked up when the CEO came on stage and welcomed us to the new Ice Age. Blimey, I thought. That IS an exclusive. Turned out that’s how you pronounce the event. Not Ish but I.S.H – Ice Age. Back in your seats everyone.

Anyway there were lots of lights swooshing up and down and films of rushing water and fountains and dramatic music. I still had no idea what they were launching but Steve Jobs would not have been out of place had he suddenly appeared like a hologram from the afterlife.

But what of the product, which we did eventually get to. Well it’s a good idea. It’s the next step in the smart home technology. So some of you will have Nest smoke alarms that are all connected to an app on your phone and look much better than a standard alarm. Or thermostats that you can control from outside your house. Well this is that but for water.  The Grohe Sense monitors humidity and temperature and looks out for leaks. Now this might just be the toddler who left the tap running when you all left on the school run that morning, or it might be a flooding washing machine. For around £50 it will tell you there’s a problem so that you can hopefully get home and sort it out before it’s a disaster.

Or there’s the Sense Guard, for around £400, which you install in the water main and that means that if there’s a problem you don’t even need to go home. You can just shut the water off via an app on your phone. Brilliant for holiday homes and for that horrible sinking feeling you get when you set off for the airport and think: “Did I unplug the iron, turn the tap off, shut the window.” In fact as soon as they develop apps that will check that we will truly be winning.

If, on the other hand, you just want some nice taps without tearing your hair out, then you could take a look at Grohe. Here are some of the things I saw at the fair that they have thought of so you don’t have to. Taps that are both round and rectangle so you can choose the basin you want and know the taps will go with the shape. A flat control panel in the shower so you don’t lose valuable space to valves sticking out. A shower spray tap that is encased in rubber which is a) easier to clean than those trendy ones that are wrapped in coils b) a cool design and c) comes in several colours that you can change really easily should you fancy. Basin and taps that have been designed in conjunction with each other so that the water comes out of the tap at the correct angle and doesn’t splash everywhere. That might sound niche but that’s an issue with my particular tap/basin combination in the bathroom.

So it might have been launched by designers in suits rather than tech types in black polo necks, but I think we can allow Grohe their drama because the next time I do a bathroom I will at least have an idea of the sorts of things I should be looking out for. Even if The Mad Husband does end up doing the final choosing. And I hope this has given you food for thought about the possibilities that are out there.

Do drop in tomorrow to collect a special discount code for Anthropologie which will be valid in the evening during a presentation I am giving with Elle Decoration UK at the store tomorrow on the current trends in the interiors world.